[lengthy excerpt from a short upcoming novel]


I keep having a dream where I’m awakened, as a child, by a woman who looks a lot like Angelica Huston. She is not one of my particularly favorite actors. This figure is quite alluring and rather daunting by reputation, but she whispers at me, “Are your hands clean?” She has a slick silk scarf covering her head, and there is snow and ice behind her in the windows in the landscape. Her eyes narrow. I see that they are grey eyes. I know she is about to ask about the cleanliness of other parts, but I can’t swear it will happen.

And how do you answer in the dream?

I say, “As clean as they ever are” and Angelica Huston says, “That is not clean enough.”

And then what?

And then I go back to sleep and wake up and remember the dream.


I may not be taking this walk with you much longer.

Why is that? I greatly enjoy them, always have.

I’m tired, Em. Nothing, no one for me here. I’ve decided to leave the country as soon as my ship comes in.

No country for asshole writers, is that the scenario?

Heh heh heh, yeah well that nails it pretty succinctly.

I am funny sometimes. So when’s the ship come in and how much plunder and booty does she contain?

Enough to get me to some European country where the psychic weather is more suitable. This place is unravelling around us . . . I go today to finish up what I was starting right as the Event happened.

Passport? You don’t want me to know how much, do you? That’s okay…

Yeah. A post office trip. Then wait for the slow unconfinements. Though I may take a quick trip to northern California, it’s only $253 round trip if you book three months ahead of time, heh heh.

You won’t miss us?

How many of you are there?

You know what I mean, motherfucker!

I’ll miss home as soon as I am gone, natch. I’ll miss you.

Your cohabitator happy with these plans and arrangements?

Thrilled, Em, she is thrilled and looking forward to the time away from me.

Was that the key to your marriage — that you never spent any time together and so were always sort of meeting as strangers over and over again, what with the schedules and — the work and —?

Right. I thought everyone who knows us knew that.

You seem — blank. Dulled out.

I am. I fear I have become depressed. Energy’s slackening off — I got that two thousand meter stare — sleep is something I gobble, and as soon as my body reaches a supine position, my brain cashes consciousness in for dreamless, slobber-free hours and hours and hours of nothingness.


Why do relationships decay? Is it like radioactivity, with this graduated fizzling away of what originally drew two people together?

What can I say. I’m a painter, not a psychologist. The half-life of love. Are you thinking of a particular relationship?

Almost all the ones I’ve ever known. Something there is in life that degrades love as soon as love emerges.

That’s so depressing. Reminds me of how life breaks us down from the moment we’re born. What kind of love are you talking about? I don’t think a mother’s love ever goes away; only death, and hopefully not life, dissolves that sort of love.

I’m sorry. Maybe it’s just my experience, and no one else’s. I haven’t thought it out completely. I’m not a mother.

What is it that eats away at love in a relationship between two people, then. Is this the gnaw?

Yeah. Think of all the blissy photographs of themselves that people used to take and frame and then affix to hallway walls — Olen Mills studios, hey, didn’t you work there three decades ago? Or we may relentlessly post such shots today on social media, but it is all posturing, and we know, within the bored privacy of our homes, just how untethered to one another we are. There are very, very few happy couples in the world; most are folks who get used to each other as they run out the clock.

Could it be that you’re just a little jealous of those couples? I must say I’ve known couples that made good teams, you know, helping and supporting one another (perhaps rather lovelessly). No love, in the classic sense of love, but still —

I might be a bit jealous. I’ll admit that much. Source of my rancor, all that. Yeah.

I did work at a photography studio. It was horrible. Trying to trick the people into looking happier than they really were. I took millions of shots.

Did you save any?

Some. They look like Diane Arbus took them by accident and in color.

Can you find them and let me look at them?

Sure. Make some coffee, will you . . . ?

Yeah, one day you’re just enthralled with a person, and they seem enthralled with you, and you talk and talk — you go on trips, attend events — and you talk and talk as you travel, sharing secrets or anecdotes of vague truth. After all, you barely know each other. Still remaining, in that not-so-distant future just ahead of now, there are secret psychic moles and tats to uncover. It’s this iceberg that keeps the whole relationship going and you never quite get bored, even if you marry quickly and live in close proximity.

I’ve said many times: my partner loves me so much more when I am not present, off working on a distant project, you know, or solitary travel.

I think you had a song, didn’t you?

Yes [sings]: “I love you so much/ when you’re far away/ won’t you please go, darlin’/ I can’t miss you if you stay…”

Yeah, I love that one. Key of…?

Dunno yet, but speaking of singing, you didhear about the choir practice in Skagit County, Washington, right? Last March?

The super spreader event, yeah. Singing can be dangerous.

The dangers of mass singing.


May I ask you a question?

You may? Do I know you?

You may! We are friends online [names are exchanged] but I have never met you. Did you…?

Go ahead.

Were you on a train to New Orleans late last January?

What, are you doing contact tracing?

[with vatic verve] You were going to see Twisted Nipple on the 2nd night, and I was hoping to make the show that night, but the train was late. What? The smile tells me you are not quite serious.

I am not. But yes, I went there. Does it show, these months later? I love those guys.

I saw you on a bench and said hello to you — it was on the Moon Walk, because I saw you on the train and remembered saying hello on the train.

And now you’re saying hello again.

Yeah, yeah, I mean —

I remember you. You said there was a song that you liked that was played the first night, so I shouldn’t expect to hear it that night. And off you wandered, upstream. I had hoped you might sit down and speak a minute or two. I was told you are a very good writer.


That’s what Mother says.

Do I know your mother? Wait …

Do you know my mother? I hope so, otherwise I’m going to be very confused.

Did you really wish I had stayed and talked?



You look friendly, harmless enough. I could probably take you in a fight to the death.

You have many fights to the death?

Not as many as I used to.

Ah. Well, I’ve enjoyed the witty repartée, uh —

Can’t even remember my name, man, come on.

I’m kidding. I remember your name. Nice to meet you!


So what is your determination today, my queen?

What do you mean? What’s that smell?

Wait . . . how does the world displease you?

Oh fuck you.

The world always displeases you upon waking.

And after I’ve heard the king’s latest tweets. Me waking, not the world waking.

No, the world never wakes.

You’re damned right.

And so that is your determination: the world is unawake, and you, the beautiful solipsist, are the only waking being in this unwoke world.

Oh fuck you again. Is there any coffee?

Today, my queen, we have freshly-brewed marsupial coffee, marsa upsak . . . .


I find myself crying much more than I did even when I was a kid. A dog’s face can make me weep. A woman’s eyes, or even her eyeglasses can make the tears flow. Odd things. Knowing something horrible is about to happen will make me weep preemptively, even.

Why do we cry, I wonder? We’re the only animal that does.

I dunno, really. Something bursts behind your eyes — a joy, a pain, a loss. A sudden knowledge of deep loss, and how loss makes us who we are, and that we can’t avoid it, ever.

That’s a grim way to look at it.

It is, I agree. You know, there’s hardly anything more shanky than seeing an old ugly man cry.

You’re right. Kids are supposed to cry. Big girls don’t cry. Old guys look weird when they cry.

I cried when I woke up to feed my dog and she was stiff and dead. Cried while I buried her.

I don’t cry much anymore. They say I have a somewhat flat affect. It helps with the not-crying.

I cried when — ah, you don’t want to hear this sentimental garbage. Who cares when anybody cries? I wept all the way to the hospital when my son was dying, could barely see to drive . . .

Just salt and water. I read that crying helps you relax, and that there are stress hormones IN the tears.

You don’t cry at all, do you?

Rarely. Rarely.

You feel, but you don’t feel to the extent of tears.

That’s a good way to put it.

You’re very fortunate.

Do you think?


God, what a beautiful day.

I dislike this month. Bad things hap in April.

So superstitious.

Superstitious my butt-ocks. It happens about every other year, fate’s brutal middle finger just —


— bad stuff happens to me in this month. I do not pretend to know why. It’s always a remarkable month — trees taking off into leaf-creation, all those different colored buds beautifying Roadside Nature, and clovers go crazy along interstate exits and entrances, for some unknown reason.

It does, doesn’t it?

But wait, isn’t this the same Nature, capitalize it or not in your head, I don’t care, which has created the virus so annoying the 2020 globe right now?

Well . . . what?

Say, one aeon or whatever, Nature wakes up with a hangover. Fuck this, says she. Give me some chickens, some bats, some wet markets to mix ’em all together — Nature knows remarkably well just how much we humans love to hunt and chase, kill and devour down-chain animals. I think it’s a no-brainer for Her. Maybe She isn’t hungover.

That’s an incredibly cynical POV.

I have to admit, I’m not sure it’s a very scientific theory. Perhaps this virus is something intent on fucking up Nature, and its origins are — uh — how to say —

There’s human nature and then there’s nature nature, right?

Nah, I’m afraid they’re part of the same thing, some overweening —

— oh, I love that word!

— some overWEENing thing that is nature, us and the trees and the foxes and the bastard bits of RNA…a-a-and planets, too!

Oh my. A pantheist!

No, wrong word. No need for labels in any case. I hope this year is not a bad April.

It’s been a bad metal rat year.



It’s the Chinese Year of the Metal Rat since, what, late January?

Enough talk. My mask itches.

Year after year, we humans walk around wearing psychological masks, playing one role after another in our lives, sometimes many roles at once, multi-masking if you will — and now we walk about with literal ones.

So what bad things happened?

Another time.


W: I’d prefer you not to do that.

M: What?

W: Bring your guitar into the apartment.

M: Why not? It’s cold out here and she’ll —

W: What. Did you. Say. Did you call that guitar “she”?

M: I-I-I — it’s a linguistic hold-over from Romance languages —

W: No guitars in my apartment. One of my rules.

M: What are the other rules?

W: Never sleep with a man that owns no books.

M: [brief excess silence] Hmn. So I really have to leave this guitar out here to warp and suffer in this Centigrade.

W: Yes, you really do. I don’t allow the things in any habitation of mine. You might call it a religious objection.

M: To a musical instrument? Would you also ban the trumpet, the French horn?

W: Nobody ever wants to bring their trumpet or French horn inside.

M: It’s in a case. Are you afraid there’s something besides a Gibson in there, because if you are —

W: No, no, Shit-For-Brains, you don’t have to open the case. Just accept the rule. No guitars.

M: Fine. We’re going back to my place.

W: Enjoy the night . . . ! I’m avoiding a lot of ridiculous puns right now!!


You know, it’s tough going in to my job every day.

I’m sure it is.

They picked me from a bunch of people!

I’m sure they did.

I’m not a cop. I’m not a love cop.

I know that’s what they call you guys. Don’t let it bother you. You provide an essential service.

Do you want to know what I do?

I, uh —

— I go into work and re-dress in normal clothes and then, I walk, I saunter surreptitiously about the public places of the city looking for PDAs, which I video with my phone and turn into the database people downtown. They are given their tickets along with the photograph.

Fortunately, then, you never have to confront the hugging, kissing or otherwise offending set of persons, correct?

Correct. I’m a people person. I love people. I could never hand them a ticket for kissing.

But you have to fine people for being too close. For actually displaying love.

I do.

And what are those fines running us again?

One-sixty per couple for hugs, two hundred for kisses, one hundred for arm wraps and eight for hugs.

And these go up each time the couple is cited, correct?


Thank you for your time.


R: How good it might feel to hold somebody close you know? Doesn’t everyone do it in the dead of night? When no one is watching, the CDC is far away and —

C: Now now don’t talk like that — it’s a different reality — !

R: To feel a different pulse beating near or close to your own, to smell something besides your own self-isolated odor . . .

C: Don’t. Don’t. Remember: “New Reality.”

R: I heard that phrase after 9-11…. How good it might feel merely to be in near proximity to the one you love, fearless, relaxed and unwary…!

C: I may have to call the policemen.

R: Then just don’t listen. Your hands on their shoulders, lightly. Their hands on your shoulders.

C: But I have to listen, and you should stop talking! This is bad, what you suggest.

R: Not necessarily a kiss, but —

C: This is illegal. Please stop.


Can I say something about affectation as it applies to pseudo-affection?

Oh please do.


Um, fine. I had a bad migraine last night but —

No, no, no, no. I am speaking of the texting bane that is h-r-u.

Why is it a bane? What the fuck is a bane, anyway?

You skeevy person, read a vocabulary book. If you want to show someone, to send a subliminal message that you care almost nothing about them, that you are being polite in the most affecting and unconscious way possible, send them the text “hru?”

I think you’re over-reacting just a tiny bit. It’s just shorthand.

You can’t go to the trouble to type out, “How’s your depression, George?” or “How is that case of food poisoning, Marie?” or “How are you doing since your town was quarantined?” You just type hru? and you’ve done your part to show your care for another human. Usually the hru?ed person understands the depth of apathy that comes from the use of hru and they respond…?

“Fine.” Now that you mention it, I think I know of a case where someone texted a dying person “hru?”

That’s right. Just another part of our world that looks so polite but in fact is not polite at all.

Was your father Diogenes?


. . . so I dropped that blue right at that very moment, staring up at the Billy Gibbons moon (in the constellation of Tartarus, methinks) — and then I went home, and I mixed up a vodka and orange juice, and I drank that sucker down in about two gulps, and then, and then —

The what moon? The ZZ Top moon? There’s no such constella– Wait, I thought this was gonna be a tale of um redemption?

Well it is, but first I have to tell you the same old I-love-her-but-she-don’t-love-me story.

Ahhh, I don’t see how you get to redemption from there. How much have you drunk tonight?

Why doesn’t she love him? Why does he love her anyway? These are the questions to be answered by the story I might or might not tell you.

Like 89% of every famous song and so many of the stories ever fucking written. Oh! You were thinking of Taurus, the Bull.

What? Taught us?

The constellation of the bull. Never mind. Go on.

I flash back now, alas, to that past time, what I felt as a young man once, back oh jesus in the days before HIV killed sex, the pre-fucking disco years, so young and skeevy. We southern hippie oafs in our bell-bottomed trousers drove VW vans or, carless like me, walked jactatingly along upcrumbled sidewalks a-litter with overgrown stubs of dry grass, dead cockroaches, empty cigarette packs tangled with candy-bar wrappers. My one and only — she was married but trying to get unmarried — needed money for that! I had none — she had grown bored with me (who wouldn’t?) and found another guy and they were pretty much the rage of town for a while. His was the androgynous name of Len/Lynn, and he worked in construction, resembling not at all loosely what one might imagine male Greek gods would look like in human form, their names on tags on their workshirts: ZEUS or MARS or whatever, so amiable and good-natured, tanned, and ready to fuck anyone who would fuck him….

It’s good that you don’t hold a grudge. [snicker] So he took your woman.

Well yeah, she had already grown deeply bored with me and, uh, hm: I went nuts for a while, not violent but just walking the streets keening and all a-weep in the middle of the night, reading Rimbaud and Celine, taking any dangerous drug I could get my hands on. Fortunately, I had no car and had to stumble wherever I felt I wanted to go. It limited my drinking. I got over it eventually. I ran into someone who pulled me out of my private little catabasis.

It’s an awful feeling isn’t it? If we could just be like Stephen Stills, and say, “If you can’t be/ with the one you love — “

” — love the one you’re with . . . ” I can’t, okay? I couldn’t back then, and I can’t now. The thought of them . . . it makes me want to say the word “wretch.” She, who said she was noli me tangere but he walks around with his hand raking her ass. He’s an oaf, did I tell you? A moronic oaf.

You poor guy.

I don’t want your pity.

No, you don’t want my pity, you want my love.

Fuck you, and your pity and your love.

Now, now…how much have you been drinking?

What else can you do when love crushes your gentle spirit like that?

Get over it? Go on to the next person. Forget her?

I can’t forget her. Nor can I find anyone else like her.

You do deserve my pity, dude.


I: I’m just saying: I was already living this life when the rest of you were all mandated to live it. The only change in my reality is that there are shitloads of other people living it right now, lives of touchlessness, lovelessness and advanced distancing. Enjoy. But you poor extroverts can’t, can you? My heart, as crushed and mangled as it has been at the rough hands of your fellow (oh so lovable) extroverts, goes out to you all in this time of your craziness.

E: I certainly don’t envy you this, this what do you call it…

I: This is solitude. You wake from your very own dreams in a house by yourself: your own dreams, and no one to bounce ’em off of. You might have a dog, go scratch his ears and feed him, or a couple of cats might be curled up staring at you like you were some oblivious fool. There are no relationships. You are isolated, you and your things, with your self. It’s so simple.

E: This solitude of yours looks pretty grim from here. You don’t smile much.

I: What would a person smile about? I don’t smile much in any case.

E: Indeed you don’t; you never have, in all the years I’ve known you.

I: Old photos show a similarly unsmiling child. Life seemed extraordinarily numinous — until I learned about death. I then lost some of my childish joie de vivre.

E: So you started withdrawing a bit at that time. What, were you ten?

I: Yeah, about to turn ten.

E: Hey uh I notice . . . um, your flat affect is 13 on a scale of one to ten today, what’s up?

I: It’s nearing an anniversary, I always numb out as an anniversary nears.

E: Want to talk about it?

I: No.

E: You know, the things you don’t want to talk or write about are almost always the very things you most need to talk or write about.

I: Glib!

E: True.


I’m a really good actor. I just realized it at this advanced age.

Are you? I think I am too.

Did you ever see a book called “Liars in Love” by a guy named Yates?


It’s by a guy who died on Alaca street over near the University of Alabama in a terrible state. His last novel was found in a freezer. Dead insect roaches, not the other type, found all round his work-table. He did nothing but work on his last novel.

We digress.

I digress. Anyway it made me remember that actors, when they are working, must operate on this proposition: “I will believe your lies as long as you believe my lies.” Of course, some people live their lives that way. Trouble, alas, arises when one of the liars decides to stop believing the other person’s lies. The deceit is the basis of the relationship, see, and when it’s gone, the whole thing’s shot.

You could say, were you a scholar, that dramaturgy is itself a lie, but one of those lies that sprouts non-lies, i.e., truth.

Only, only if the author is working with some truth.

Making me think of Sam Shepard now.


John Dee and the Theater of the Mind.

Uh huh.

No idea what I’m talking about, ‘ave you?

Not a whit. Pass me that back do you mind . . .

Careful . . .


“Often a new iguana is quite docile for the first few days after he is brought home. At this point, many owners think that taming their iguana will be no problem, and are somewhat startled in a few days when the iguana starts showing signs of aggression. This is normal: At first, the iguana may have been too nervous and intimidated by his new surroundings to assert himself. However, as the iguana becomes more comfortable, he is more likely to show his displeasure with handling….”

(from “How to Train Your Iguana”)

So why did you —

— pick the iguana. I know the question well. May I sigh audibly for your hidden USB voice recorder?

— [phony Brit accent] Go on, you. You’re off your face. Nothing’s hidden, it’s right there on the table.

What if I told you it had something to do with, say, Ava Gardner or Tenn Williams?

That means little to me. I suspect those names mean something I don’t know anything about.

I love him. He stays in his cage most of the time.

What is his name?

He doesn’t have a name.

Oh. Well, I don’t want to see your iguana, so, I’ll skip the holiday party at your house this year if he’s going to be there.

That’s silly. Come on. I’m sure he’d love you. He’s often the life of the party, depends on his mood. He can get pretty, um —

I don’t think so, Vinnie. I just don’t think so. Not into herbivorous lizards this year.

You could hold him. They can sense uptight people and you aren’t, so he’d love you to hold him, I’m sure. I talk to him like they say you’re supposed to. You should meet him.

What do you call him, if he doesn’t have a name?

Bub. I call him Bub. He likes certain things on Netflix.


Vinnie, listen it was right after that debacle with Margherite that I felt just like you do.

You were young Werther, Harry. You were only twenty-two. So save me the rundown on your sentimental histoires. I’ve made up my mind and my time is my own.

Well, okay then. Don’t say I never tried to talk you out of ending your own life.

I shan’t, don’t worry. I’m just tired of it. Tired of the seasonal holidays, tired of the generally pointless energy one spends just to sort of keep going nowhere, a capitalistic hamster cage to nowhere

Except for the ones who get bigger and graduate to bigger hamster wheel cages. And get more food, better food, gourmet hamster food!

— you realize that by this time next year, the world’s worst dictator will have almost certainly attained another four more years to wreak havoc, incite dismay, embarrass the country internationally, and generally foul up our lives while his proselytes cheer him on.

True, that.

This is serious, and I am treating a serious problem with the seriousness it deserves. You don’t know what it’s like. I am so monstrously weary of having one insipid and shallow relationship after another and not a spouse in sight. The young lionceaux don’t believe in foreplay and are addicted to opioids. The geezer-toys — ugh — let’s not even discuss them. I can’t seem to keep a steady job and so I have to gig, ugh, at various things, yeah, uck, just to pay the rent on this pitiful, squalid apartment with the iguana running around in there like it fucking owns the place –

What? You have an iguana? And who is or are the Leon Sew? You speak oddly, woman.

Yes, I have an iguana. He has a tended habitat and –

Well, while we’re going all non sequitur here, I have a doppleganger.


Yeah, I went to a club Saturday and they thought I was already there. One person pointed him out to me. Damned if he didn’t resemble me in the beard, hair and head-shape categories. What’s that fucker doing that I’m being blamed (or perhaps praised) for? [suddenly gloomy] I had this problem as a child.

Jeeze Harry you had a doppleganger as a kid?

Well, kinda. My “special education” cousin looked just like me and they always mistook us for one another.

Big shit, man. You call that trauma.

Well, yeah. Mild.

Mild is all you’ve ever had. Being born a woman — that’s a trauma in this world. Wake up, Harry. Let’s talk next month before I catch the flight, okay. You tire me today.


I decided to stop not-drinking today.

Is that right? Well, I’m glad I’m not your sponsor.

I don’t have a sponsor. I have never been a member — and I didn’t say I was going to drink.

I know, I know, you repetitive oaf, you never join any organizations. So why today?

Today? I hate to explain, since it’s so–uh–oh how to say? Muddled.

Go on.

I realized that the person I love most does not, in any sense, similarly love me. I realized this: I’ll live an empty, bland life for the remainder of my days, never growing close to anyone outside of my immediate family — a long slow running out of the clock, like when one team is greatly superior to the other and it’s, oh, say, midway of the last quarter of play and the score is 49-3 — nothing exciting happens, not even for the team that is behind. They are too far behind. As am I. One dull play after another. The stands are nearly empty, just the bands and a few collegiate drunks.

How do you know she doesn’t love you?

When someone texts you “hru,” as I think I have told you before, that is a first good indicator. I’ve studied this. I have studied the decay of love. Monosyllables: the disintegration of love begins with “hmm” and “wow” and “right” and so on.

Wait, so she loved you at one time but she don’t love you no more? is that right or — ? Are you drunk?

Your answer is confusing. Which downtown?

You are drunk.

So you going on home to run out some more clock?

Is downtown burning?

Oh forget it. How can love or relationships matter much in a fucked-up time like this? Issues much larger than one’s personal despair are —

Yeah, I have a good partner in running out the clock. She’s a founding member of Apathetics Anonymous.

You don’t say.

I just did.

Well, after tonight, she may need some counseling.

I’m sure. Later.


(c) 2020, 2021 Thomas N. Dennis

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